The Rock by- amy-jayne mccabe.

By the dawns early light my baby's far away
Still the kids and I will start another missing him day
Only destiny knows when he'll return
We'll be here for him keeping the fires burning
I am the Rock, a foundation of love
Solid and true with strength from above
I keep this family going, I stand beside my man
I live without knowing
I am the Rock
As my day unfolds, I reach into my soul
Though I'm proud of him
I need some peace of mind to hold
And when I think about the the sacrifices he makes
I'll do what I can do whatever it takes
I am the Rock, a foundation of love
Solid and true with strength from above
I keep this family going, I stand beside my man
I live without knowing
I am the Rock
It will be ok and I will not stumble,
Our love is so strong Our world will not crumble
I am the Rock, a foundation of love
Solid and true with strength from above
I keep this family going, I stand beside my man
I live without knowing
I am the Rock
Yes, I live without knowing
But I am the Rock

love always.

Open the eyes of my heart Lord...

That song has been going over and over in my head. Its an awesome song. Tonight I went to a healing service at Good Shepard. I had a really productive, good day! I was happy all day and really felt like myself. I second guessed going to the service only because I was doing so good. But I knew it was the best thing for me to do. It was so awesome. I got there and found a seat with no one around and started writing out a prayer list. My list kept getting longer and longer and I sat there and realized i had about 15 things written on that list and didnt once think about myself. (there i go again) I sat and wondered how i could get through that list and forget about myself when for the last week ive tried so hard to consider myself and my sanity. So i chose to open my bible and place that list in there until later. I took a deep breath and let go of it. (not as easy as it sounds) The worship leader and another lady got up on stage and asked us to stand and sing with them. They chose perfect songs for the service, songs that allowed us to sing, out loud, exactlly what I was feeling. "I surrender all, all to thee, my blessed savior, I surrender all. All to Jesus i surrender. Lord i give myself to thee, Fill me with thy love and power let thy blessings fall on me" I stood there and opened my heart so that the Lord could come in and help strengthen me again. After singing the preacher came up and explained what the healing service was for and what we were going to do. I noticed there were three stations set up at the front of the church when i got in there. They had two people at each station that were there for you to come up and let them know what is weighing on your heart and then allow them to pray for you (HUGE GULP) So i sat there for a little while and bowed my head and tried to pray. While i was sitting there tears started flowing, I like to tell myself that the girl that brought me tissues was just watching me and not hearing me. lol. after i sat and got ready to go up there i looked around the room at everyone just to kind of get an idea of what i should do...no one was moving. So I went ahead and did the awkward and went up to two ladies that were sitting in the middle station. I sat down and as soon as they said how are you i started crying again. I sat for a minute and then told them why i was there and what i needed them for. (what a relief) I told them that my husband left for boot camp a month and a half ago and over the past week or two i feel like ive lost my strength. I told them that I feel really alone...you'll never believe what they said YANA!! (You Are Never Alone) duh!! i told them about a couple of other things that are going on and asked them to please pray with me. As i sat there holding hands and listening to these two women who i have never met before, or even seen before, pray for me was the best thing ive ever heard (pretty close at least) While i sat there i felt so much more at ease. I loved it. I hope that the people we prayed for felt Gods love as much as i did.

Thats pretty much all I have to write about. except this TOMORROW IS HALF WAY!!! ;)

I hope everyone has a great week!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vnqb7Vn4AEE

love always.

warning: this is a deep post.

I have never felt so tested in my life. I haven't really been sure why God has decided to test my strength so much lately but i know that there is a reason for everything so Im gonna keep on keeping on. So much has happened since eric has left, things that i need Eric here for. Things that would be a little easier if I could just talk to eric on the phone about it, but I cant. So I'll deal with it. I cant seem to figure things out on my own lately, i have the best family support and friend support i could ever ask for and I appreciate it so much, but its just not Eric. If I didnt know before that i loved him with everything i have, i know now that I love him even more than that. Everyday I hear about how strong I am and about how proud people are and today for the first time I realized that I am being strong, i really am...but I feel that i am being strong for everyone else and forgetting about me (selfish huh?) Every single friend that I have needs me right now. (I am so blessed to have friends that trust in me and that is such an honor that they come to me) But today I realized, the hard way, that I need to set aside me time. I have honestly let myself go. I was in a place 2 months ago where I was at such peace with myself and my life, now....my life is thrown all over the place. My family and my friends need me right now and i am going to be what I set out to be, the best sister, daughter, wife, and friend that I can. But Ive got to find that place in the middle where I am in control of my own life too. If today wasnt a mental and emtional breakdown, then its coming if i dont get back to that place that i was at. Someone told me today that I needed to set aside time every day for just me...my first thought was yeah right how in the heck am i going to do that? people need me and i need to be there for them. I thought to myself there is no way I can turn my phone off and relax, someone might need something. Today for the first time I realized not only have i not made time for me in the last week but i couldnt remember the last time i prayed. I havent made time for him? what the heck am i doing? Im losing it...all those things were going through my head and making me crazier and crazier, sadder and sadder. You guys know me very well and know that when something is wrong with me I call whoever i can think of, today was different. Today I laid on my floor and cried and cried to myself. I didnt want to talk to anyone or hear anyones suggestions...i just wanted to be sad (a basket case) There were times where I tried to pray while i was laying there and didnt even want to talk to God. I just wanted to cry and be completely alone, thats not me and I dont like it. People ask all the time what can i do for you? nothing. what can i get you? eric. what can i say to make you feel better? nothing. I feel like a debbie downer but thats honestly how i feel. when i say it. I miss him.



To change, and thats what i think i need to do. I AM going to set aside time for me. I have too. Even if its 30 minutes, I have to do it. I said to myself today that I do have me time, my me time is every night before i go to bed when im writing eric...but then thought more about it. When im writing eric im being strong for eric. Im writing him things that he needs to hear, which I love. For real my favorite part of the day is writing him. But its not the me time I need, and Im very happy that i am realizing this. Now I just have to make the steps to change it.

This post has been a post full of me venting and I want to end it my telling everyone that I really am so thankful for the friends and family that I have and there is nothing any of you are going through that I wouldnt want to be a part of. If you need me Ill be here.

Forever and ever amen.

Love always.