warning: this is a deep post.

I have never felt so tested in my life. I haven't really been sure why God has decided to test my strength so much lately but i know that there is a reason for everything so Im gonna keep on keeping on. So much has happened since eric has left, things that i need Eric here for. Things that would be a little easier if I could just talk to eric on the phone about it, but I cant. So I'll deal with it. I cant seem to figure things out on my own lately, i have the best family support and friend support i could ever ask for and I appreciate it so much, but its just not Eric. If I didnt know before that i loved him with everything i have, i know now that I love him even more than that. Everyday I hear about how strong I am and about how proud people are and today for the first time I realized that I am being strong, i really am...but I feel that i am being strong for everyone else and forgetting about me (selfish huh?) Every single friend that I have needs me right now. (I am so blessed to have friends that trust in me and that is such an honor that they come to me) But today I realized, the hard way, that I need to set aside me time. I have honestly let myself go. I was in a place 2 months ago where I was at such peace with myself and my life, now....my life is thrown all over the place. My family and my friends need me right now and i am going to be what I set out to be, the best sister, daughter, wife, and friend that I can. But Ive got to find that place in the middle where I am in control of my own life too. If today wasnt a mental and emtional breakdown, then its coming if i dont get back to that place that i was at. Someone told me today that I needed to set aside time every day for just me...my first thought was yeah right how in the heck am i going to do that? people need me and i need to be there for them. I thought to myself there is no way I can turn my phone off and relax, someone might need something. Today for the first time I realized not only have i not made time for me in the last week but i couldnt remember the last time i prayed. I havent made time for him? what the heck am i doing? Im losing it...all those things were going through my head and making me crazier and crazier, sadder and sadder. You guys know me very well and know that when something is wrong with me I call whoever i can think of, today was different. Today I laid on my floor and cried and cried to myself. I didnt want to talk to anyone or hear anyones suggestions...i just wanted to be sad (a basket case) There were times where I tried to pray while i was laying there and didnt even want to talk to God. I just wanted to cry and be completely alone, thats not me and I dont like it. People ask all the time what can i do for you? nothing. what can i get you? eric. what can i say to make you feel better? nothing. I feel like a debbie downer but thats honestly how i feel. when i say it. I miss him.



To change, and thats what i think i need to do. I AM going to set aside time for me. I have too. Even if its 30 minutes, I have to do it. I said to myself today that I do have me time, my me time is every night before i go to bed when im writing eric...but then thought more about it. When im writing eric im being strong for eric. Im writing him things that he needs to hear, which I love. For real my favorite part of the day is writing him. But its not the me time I need, and Im very happy that i am realizing this. Now I just have to make the steps to change it.

This post has been a post full of me venting and I want to end it my telling everyone that I really am so thankful for the friends and family that I have and there is nothing any of you are going through that I wouldnt want to be a part of. If you need me Ill be here.

Forever and ever amen.

Love always.